I am on the backside of forty. I am in the downhill slide into being fifty years old and I am okay with that. I feel that the older I get the more in touch I am with the ‘real’ me.
I think that is partly because I care less about what others think and more about what I think. I care less if people like me and more if I like them. That may sound self-centered but it is a true statement.
I am no longer afraid to say no to things I don’t want to do and I don’t even feel compelled to give an explanation or excuse. I am okay with no being no. I have become much less sensitive to criticism. I have become more complex. I have really started to explore my thoughts and turn them over and over in my head to be sure they are honestly MY thoughts. I have discovered that I have talked about and defended things in the past that were adopted or absorbed by me. Somehow I believed that they were my own. Upon reflection I knew that was not so. When I sat there and tried to explain or defend why I felt the way I did about certain things I realized that I did not know. Maybe I did not know enough about the topic to make an informed decision, and maybe I did not care enough about the topic to even bother to learn. Maybe someone in my life felt so passionately about it that I did too, just to feel close to them. I am not sure exactly. I am glad that I am working through it all and finding my way back to me.
My feelings toward many things have changed with my age or experiences. I guess that is not surprising. At least it shouldn’t be. I am not the same person I was yesterday, let alone a year (or a decade) ago. I love that don’t you? I am fascinated by the woman I am and am so curious about the woman I will become. I am beginning to pursue my interests and my dreams. I am trying new things and just seeing how it goes. I am enjoying the journey in its own right.
So who am I? Well I have no idea but I am having a darn good time figuring it out!