I am on the backside of forty. I am in the downhill slide into being fifty years old and I am okay with that.  I feel that the older I get the more in touch I am with the ‘real’ me.

I think that is partly because I care less about what others think and more about what I think. I care less if people like me and more if I like them. That may sound self-centered but it is a true statement.

I am no longer afraid to say no to things I don’t want to do and I don’t even feel compelled to give an explanation or excuse. I am okay with no being no.  I have become much less sensitive to criticism. I have become more complex.  I have really started to explore my thoughts and turn them over and over in my head to be sure they are honestly MY thoughts.  I have discovered that I have talked about and defended things in the past that were adopted or absorbed by me.  Somehow I believed that they were my own. Upon reflection I knew that was not so.  When I sat there and tried to explain or defend why I felt the way I did about certain things I realized that I did not know.  Maybe I did not know enough about the topic to make an informed decision, and maybe I did not care enough about the topic to even bother to learn.  Maybe someone in my life felt so passionately about it that I did too, just to feel close to them.  I am not sure exactly.  I am glad that I am working through it all and finding my way back to me.

My feelings toward many things have changed with my age or experiences.  I guess that is not surprising.  At least it shouldn’t be.  I am not the same person I was yesterday, let alone a year (or a decade) ago.  I love that don’t you?  I am fascinated by the woman I am and am so curious about the woman I will become.   I am beginning to pursue my interests and my dreams. I am trying new things and just seeing how it goes. I am enjoying the journey in its own right.

So who am I? Well I have no idea but I am having a darn good time figuring it out!